So it isn’t day 1. I’ve actually totally lost track of what day it is but I think it’s been about 10 days since I’ve been to work (in the office), almost 3 weeks since I was out with my friends and it’s been over a month since I’ve seen my grandparents.
My anxiety has been pretty high throughout this. Unbearable some days. My depression comes and goes but has definitely been the worst it’s been in a while since I found the right medication mix.
Tonight it really hit me that I’m in a rut. I feel trapped. I feel lonely. I feel isolated. A huge coping mechanism for me is staying busy, going to my workout classes and keeping my mind stimulated constantly.
Honestly, people have told me time and time again that staying busy isn’t the answer but for me, it’s always worked. Until now. When I do not have enough things to keep myself and my mind busy. When I finish work, that’s about it. I’m left for way too long with my thoughts and nowhere to go.
It’s been really hard. I miss my mom. I miss the comfort that she brought me and the answers that she’d always have to instantly make everything feel okay. I miss the normalcy. I miss being able to go wherever I want and need and not feel trapped and confined to my house.
Things are scary right now. I’ve gotten a few comments on here from people telling me they come here for positivity and don’t like my posts like this. But I won’t lie and sugar coat things. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. Life is just plain hard right now.
But as always, we are in this together.
-C